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Do-Nothings of Neopia
Published: April 13, 2013

"I don't care how fast your wing can move, Leonard. Your pawns are still only allowed to move one square per turn."

As you approach the tall, impressive building, you hear the sound of bickering and clinking crockery from within. Is this really the right place?

Inside, you find the Neopets you were looking for, stretched out on various bits of furniture around the room. Two of them are playing chess. One is studiously polishing the medals that hang on the walls. Several of them are just absently flexing their muscles while they help themselves to snacks. Nobody in the room looks particularly keen to hurry into combat.

I'm not sure if this has been asked already, but why is 'Defenders of Neopia' inactive? Is it because of the most recent plot? ~ lea_chan
Judge Hog drains the last of his tea at a gulp and looks over at you.

"A worthy guess, Neopian, but we've actually been on sabbatical for a while. We've... well, we've been having a few problems with this new Battledome doohickey."

As he says this, a chorus of voices join in from around the room.

"...can't use it for our daily training sessions because the punchbags never get any heavier once you're done with them..."

"...tried to give a heroic Neopian a trophy and it shot out and smacked her in the nose..."

"...new abilities are all very well if you LIKE spending your Saturday covered in socks..."

"So there you have it," Judge Hog concludes, looking somewhat embarrassed. "Until our top scientists figure out what to do, we're sort of stuck. It's all a bit of a shame."

You reach into your bag. "Well, if you still want to help some Neopians in need, I have a bunch of questions here you could help answer."

The Defenders' eyes light up, and they crowd round to take a look at the letters you've brought.

Judge Hog
We will answer your questions... FOR JUSTICE!

Do you still have the original ARRIVAL OF VIRTUPETS comic? I know it's nowhere to be found on the site, and that it's long since retired, but I was curious. Also, Battle for Meridell doesn't seem to work on my computer, while the other comics do. I don't know if this is an error with my flash plug ins. Is there a way I can fix this? And (so many questions...) is there some sort of place on neopets that has all the comics, or do I have to track them down? Thank you for you time and consideration! Sorry for the bombardment of questions... ~ anonymous
Orig the Great: Taking an interest in Neopian history, are you? That will get you far... especially the bits about heroic Lupes.

Unfortunately, that Virtupets comic seems to have vanished without a trace. If any of you brave citizens are still keeping a first-edition copy stowed under your bed, we'd be very interested to hear about it. For now, everything that can be found that relates to the Virtupets plot is here. That's part of the Jellyneo Neopian Museum, where you can find information on all sorts of past events, plot comics included.

As for the Battle for Meridell comic, I'm afraid it's more bad news. None of us here can read the thing properly either, which is a dashed shame when we're looking for something to do. Upgrading Flash doesn't seem to help, either. Hopefully the Neopets Team will eventually fix it, since it's such an important part of our history. Quite the handsome and admirable Lupe, that Jeran... hmmm, reminds me of someone else around here...

Hi guys! *gives slushies* I love slushies in real life, mmm! So, I won a Mysterious Token from the Space Faerie scratchcard and didn't know what it was. So of course I came to your site first because I just KNEW you would help...alas, I only found out what the token was for. Nowhere on your site was I able to find how to access the Space Faerie Vending Machine! I finally had to go to another Neopets help site to get the info. It always hurts me inside to have to go to another site. ~ savannahjones98
Captain K: Look no further than me for assistance on all things extraneopian! You should fly at once (or walk, if that's your thing) to the Mysterious Token's Item Database entry, where you'll be able to beam straight to the Space Faerie's Vending Machine.

Space Faerie Token
Just don't try inserting THIS mysterious token.
That would probably be bad.

Hello! (: I was looking through the Habitarium boards earlier and I read that leaving your Habi open all day and night is considered cheating. Is that true? ~ xhubobogum
Judge Hog: They say that cheaters never prosper, and in this case they may be right. Leaving your Habitarium on overnight won't bring you any success at all, since it will stop connecting to the servers during the nightly maintenance. You should close down your bug-opolis during that time, and call it up again later.

Hi! I was recently reading through some of your Editorial Database (Hey...! ) and saw an answer that said that Neopets was started in Camberley and Bagshot. Is this what Bogshot is referencing to? ~ anonymous
Torchio: I guess you're gonna have to keep wondering, because when Judge Hog sent me to the library I may have sort of set the reference books on fire. It wouldn't be the only time Neopian names have sounded a lot like a real-world place, though. What about that hat-wearing poser Roxton Colchester? Don't go looking for any human-world origins for "Gruntharxx Knarvatron", though. I can pretty much guarantee you'll be wasting your time.

Just what was that trophy with the oldest pet for?! ~ terrypwns31
Aisheena: You mean this one?

Age Trophy

As far as a bunch of trophy experts like us can tell, it does exactly what it says it does. The holders of these trophies are among the first pets ever created by human owners. And sorry, but you can't get one by painting yourself Elderly, wearing a fake beard, and reminiscing loudly about the good old days. Not that I've tried, or anything... much.

At which level am I certainly save to say that my neopet will not go back to level 1 at the lab ray? *gives cookie after the question has been asked* ~ Kic444
Dr Flexo: Not more cookies! Brexis has been baking them by the cartload. Anyhow, despite plenty of experiments with that marvellous Lab Ray, we aren't sure of an exact number for the "magic level". We do think it's somewhere between 20 and 50, though. So once you're good enough to stand with the higher-ranking Defenders, you should have nothing to fear.

Lab Scientist
I could help you acquire a WONDERFUL origin story...

So yesterday,I was browsing through petpet shops, and in the Little Nippers, I saw a Christmas Barlow and a Christmas Swabby! Is this just a rare event that occurs in all petpet shops or do painted petpets get restocked only in the Little Nippers? And while I'm on the topic of petpets;why are meepits evil,and if they're evil how can they be petpets? Are they Sloth's minions from outer space?!! ~ The Friendly Meepit
Lightning Lenny: All right, wait here... Done! I've been to every Petpet shop in Neopia and not run into any painted Petpets. That would suggest it's a glitch and not something that's meant to happen. Oh, and Korbie, I grabbed you a smoothie on the way back. I hope you like them shaken, not stirred.

Korbat Defender: Th-thanks. About those Meepits, I think you'll find they come from the same place as my species: the Haunted Woods. So they're not from outer space, but there's plenty of creepy things out in that forest. Some of them might even be s-scarier than Sloth...

What do you think will happen to the old bottled faerie giveaways such as in dailies and Balthazar's Mega Faerie Giveaway Bonanza? (Which I recently leaned about) Will they stop giving them out? Or do they still have a use? I don't know what to do with my fire faerie. ~ princess_rozelia
Kau Defender: You don't even know how many times we've tried to stop that fiendish Balthazar. Ooh, he makes my blood boil! And I don't think this update is going to stop him, either. Like the games mentioned by TNT in this answer, he'll probably just turn his evil paws to distributing the newer style of Faerie eventually.
As for the old Faeries, you can take them to Pango Pango's Cooking Pot and turn three of them in to get a new one. What Pango is doing with all those obsolete Faerie blessings, who knows...

Hello! I was reading your battledome guide, and it said that if you win, your health is restored. Recently, I have been participating in the war, and my hit point aren't restoring themselves. Is this just me? Should a send a ticket? Or has the battledome been updated? Thank you. ~ flyflyhorse707
Mammoth: Health restoration isn't intended to be a normal feature of the new Battledome, and was only brought in temporarily during the War for the Obelisk. If you're fighting Neopia's ordinary evildoers during peacetime, you'll need to take some time to rest and recover afterwards, or drink down one of those tasty healing potions. If other players are getting healed when they fight certain challengers and you aren't, you should probably let the Neopets Team know their new arena's sprung a leak again.

You're not going to catch ME healing the enemy.

I have a suggestion. I was looking at paintbrushes in your (epic) item database, so I typed in "paint brush". But the pesky little petpet paint brushes where there, too. I didn't see a way to get rid of them and just look at normal paintbrushes. Is there a way? If there is not, please make a way to. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! It is an awesome site, keep on going! ~ anoymous
Usul Defender: I feel your pain. People keep trying to talk to us about Petpets, too. Kadoaties stuck in trees, Warfs stuck down holes, Gooples stuck... well, to everything. We keep telling them that's the PPL's job, but will they listen?

Anyhow, you can see the non-Petpet Paint Brushes by doing an advanced Item DB search, searching for "Paint Brush" in the item name, and putting "Rainbow Pool" in the Notes field. Since Petpet brushes are used at the Petpet Puddle, not the Rainbow Pool, that should do a good job of keeping them out of the way. Now if only we could do the same for the Petpets.

are you all n00bs? ~ anonymous
Blackwing: I would reconsider that question before we all decide we need some target practice.

Judge Hog: What my colleague means to say is that no, we're not. And name-calling really isn't very public-spirited of you.

How many different 404 messages are there for Jellyneo? ~ evanks
Korbat Defender: There are twenty-one! Let's hope you're not error-prone enough to run into all of them...

404 Pteri
I confused the servers and all I got was this lousy tee-shirt.

My little brother used to play neopets but he wants to close his account. He also wants to give me all his items before deleting his account. Does Neopets allow this? I would ask Neopets myself but the my support tab is broken. *Throws evil fuzzles at Neopets*. Thank you so much! *gives JN a basket of neggs*. ~ sugarstarz21
Sergeant Brexis: Your brother is welcome to give his items to anyone he pleases. Remember that to transfer Neocash items, you're going to need a gift box, and that Paint Brush clothing can't be given away without a pet of the right colour.

Does Rylon dislike Fyora? ~ anonymous
Kau Defender: He doesn't, but I do. If she wasn't a fashion role model for the whole of Neopia, maybe people wouldn't expect me to wear floaty pink and purple instead of yellow and green. I like my colours, thanks very much.

If I'm playing dice-a-roo and my pet gets sick of it, can I simply switch active pets in order to keep playing, or will they all be bored with it? ~ trelvani
Masked Defender: Sitting next to a bored Neopet isn't much fun. We should know, being stuck here for months on end. So if one of your Neopets gets bored, all the others will back him or her up and want to leave too.

A passing Blumaroo says "Don't you lot have homes to go to?"

I always look forward to seeing the new April Fools pranks (and ensuing chaos) each year. Unfortunately, I was occupied with real life this year and wasn't online. Even more disturbing, I can't seem to find any evidence of pranks for 2013. Not by Neopets, JN, or the NT writers. What did I miss? Or was April Fools also cancelled due to lack of interest this year? ~ kallykat_03
Torchio: It was pretty quiet around Neopia on April Fools' Day, but that doesn't mean nothing happened. Let's just say we got an interesting merchandise catalogue through the mailbox that morning. I'm told the Jellyneo folks are doing a write-up of it as we speak, so look out for that any time now.

As for the NT writers, you've got them to thank for a certain elderly nuisance featured in this issue.

You thank the Defenders for their time, and make a mental note to bring them some new board games next time you're nearby. With Neopia's protectors out of action, you wonder if it'll fall to you to pick up the slack. To face the terrors lurking in the shadows, to boldly venture into the unknown, to muster your courage and deal with the dangerous and the deadly...

Burnt Cookies
Sergeant Brexis: Before you go, don't you want to try some of my home-made cookies?

On second thoughts, you decide that some tasks are best left to the professionals.